Birdhouse Online

SOUTH PARK (passim)
STAN MARSH:
There's a bunch of birds in the sky
And some deers just went running by
Oh, the snow's pure and white
On the earth rich and brown
Just another Sunday morning
In my quiet mountain...TOWN

The sun is shining and the grass is green
(Under the three feet of snow I mean)
This is a day when it's hard to wear a frown
All the happy people stop to say hello


TOWNSPERSON: Get out of my way!


STAN:
Even though the temperature's low
It's a perfect Sunday morning
In my quiet little mountain town


SHARON MARSH: Well, good morning, Stan.
STAN: Mom, can I have eight dollars to see a movie?
SHARON: A movie?
STAN: Yeah. It's gonna be the best movie ever! It's a foreign film from Canada.
SHARON: All right, here ya go. But be back for supper.
STAN: Thanks, mom!


SHARON:
Oh, what a picture-perfect child
Just like Jesus he's tender and mild
He'd wear a smile while he wore a thorny crown
What an angel
With a heart so sweet and sure
And a mind so open and pure
Thank God we live in this quiet redneck mountain town


STAN: [knocking on Kenny's door] Dude! Dude, wake up!...Kenny, come on!
KENNY MCCORMICK: Coming!
STAN: Kenny, the Terrance and Phillip movie is out! You wanna come?
KENNY: Yeah, I wanna come. Let's go!
MRS. MCCORMICK: [to Kenny] Where do you think you're going?
KENNY: I'm going to the Terrance and Phillip movie!
MRS. MCCORMICK: You can't! You have to go to church!
KENNY: But mom, I want to go to the movie!
MRS. MCCORMICK: Well, fine. You go ahead and miss church. And then, when you die and go to hell, you can answer to Satan!
KENNY: [pondering briefly] Okay!


STAN:
You can see your breath hanging in the air
You see homeless people
But you just don't care
It's a sea of smiles
In which we'd be glad to drown


KENNY:
And this movie's gonna make our lives complete
'cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet


STAN: That's right!


STAN:
It's Sunday Morning


STAN and CHOIR:
In my quiet little whitebread redneck mountain town


IKE BROFLOVSKI: Ba ba-ba-ba-ba.
KYLE BROFLOVSKI: Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!
IKE: Don't kick the baby.
KYLE: Kick the baby. [kicking Ike through the window]
Ike: [screaming with glee]

SHEILA BROFLOVSKI: [seeing Ike crash through the window] Ike! You broke another window! That's a bad baby! Bad baby!

STAN: Kyle, we're going to the Terrance and Phillip movie!
KYLE: Oh my God, dude!
SHEILA: Kyle, where are you going?
KYLE: Uh, we're going ice-skating.
SHEILA: Well take your little brother out with you.
KYLE: Aw, ma! He's not even my real brother. He's adopted.
SHEILA: Do as I say, Kyle!
KYLE: Okay, okay. I'm sorry!


SHEILA:
Look at those frail and fragile boys
It really gets me down
The woild is such a rotten place
And city life's a complete disgrace
That's why I moved to this redneck, meshuggenah, quiet mountain town


SHEILA: [seeing Ike crash through the window again] Ike! Bad baby!


TV ANNOUNCER: This program is brought to you by Snacky Smores: the creamy fun of s'mores in a delightful cookie crunch.
ERIC CARTMAN: [hearing doorbell ring] Mom! Somebody's at the door!
LIANE CARTMAN: Coming, hon!
CARTMAN: [as Liane walks in front of the TV] 'ey, I can't see the TV!
TV NEWS ANCHOR: It's been six weeks since Saddam Hussein was killed by a pack of wild boars, and the world is still glad to be rid of him.
LIANE: Oh look, Eric: it's your little friends.
IKE: Cartman!
CARTMAN: What are you guys doing here? [seeing an ad for the Terrance and Phillip movie] Oh, sweet, dude! Yes! Yes!


CHILDREN:
Off to the movie we shall go
Where we learn everything that we know
'cause the movies teach us
What our parents don't have time to say
And this movie's gonna make our lives complete
'cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet


CARTMAN: Super sweet!


CHILDREN:
Thank God we live in the
Quiet little redneck, podunk, white trash


KENNY: Kickass!


CHILDREN:
U...S...A



OUTSIDE THE CINEMA
STAN: Can I have five tickets to "Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire" please?
BOX OFFICE CASHIER: No!
KYLE: What do you mean "No"?
CASHIER: "Terrance and Phillip: Asses of Fire" has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America. You have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian.
KYLE: But why?
CASHIER: Because this movie has naughty language! Next please.
STAN: This, this can't be happening
KYLE: We have to see this movie, dude.
CARTMAN: Aw, screw it. It probably isn't all that good anyway.
KYLE: Cartman, what are you talking about? You love Terrance and Phillip.
CARTMAN: Yeah, but the animation's all crappy.
CHILDREN: [walking away]
STAN: Wait! I've got an idea!

HOMELESS MAN: Uh, hi. I want six tickets to "Asses of Fire".
CASHIER: This movie might not be appropriate for your little ones.
HOMELESS MAN: [to Children] Hey, he says this movie isn't appropriate for you.
STAN: Look, Mr. Homeless Guy. If you don't wanna buy us tickets, and not get your ten bucks, and not go buy yourself a bottle of vodka; then be my guest.
HOMELESS MAN: Six tickets, please.



INSIDE THE CINEMA
KYLE: [to Cartman] Let me have some candy, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Oh, let's see. Uh...nope, I don't have any Jewish candy.
KYLE: Like you really need all that chocolate, fat boy.
IKE: Ba-ba-ba-ba.
STAN: Shh, the movie's starting!
CHILDREN: [as movie begins] Hooray!

PHILLIP: Say, Terrance? What did the Spanish priest say to the Iranian gynaecologist?
TERRANCE: I don't know, Phillip. What?
PHILLIP: [farts in Terrance's face]
BOTH: [laughing hysterically]

STAN: Where do they come up with this stuff?

TERRANCE: You're such a pigfucker, Phillip!

CHILDREN: [gasping]
KYLE: What did he say?

PHILLIP: Terrance, why would you call me a "pigfucker"?
TERRANCE: Well, let's see. First of all, you fuck pigs.
PHILLIP: Oh yeah!
BOTH: [laughing hysterically]
TERRANCE: Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch!
BOTH: [laughing hysterically]
PHILLIP: Oh, you shitfaced cockmaster!

CHILDREN: Wow!
CARTMAN: "Shitfaced cockmaster."

TERRANCE: Listen, you donkey-raping shiteater!

KYLE: "Donkey-raping shiteater."
IKE: "Dobee babing sheeteater."

TERRANCE: You'd fuck your uncle.
PHILLIP: You'd fuck your uncle.


TERRANCE:
Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka
You're a cocksucking, asslicking uncle fucka
You're an uncle fucka, yes it's true
Nobody fucks uncles quite like you


PHILLIP:
Shut your fucking face uncle fucka
You're the one that fucked your uncle, uncle fucka
You don't eat or sleep or mow the lawn
You just fuck your uncle all day long


BOTH: [farting in tune to the music, laughing hysterically]


AUDIENCE: [leaving en masse]


CANADIAN MOUNTIE: What's going on, here?


AUDIENCE MEMBER: What garbage!
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Well, what do you expect? They're Canadian.


CHOIR:
Fucka, fucka
Uncle fucka fucka fucka
Fucka, fucka


BOTH:
Shut your fucking face uncle fucka


PHILLIP: Uncle fucka!


BOTH:
You're a boner-biting bastard uncle fucka


TERRANCE:
You're an uncle fucka I must say


PHILLIP:
Well, you fucked your uncle yesterday


BOTH:
Uncle fucka
That's: U-N-C-L-E, fuck you


BOTH, WITH CHOIR:
Uncle fucka!


PHILLIP: Suck my balls!



OUTSIDE THE CINEMA
KYLE: Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!
CARTMAN: You bet your fucking ass it was!
STAN: Fuck dude, I wanna be just like Terrance and Phillip!
CASHIER: Hey, wait a minute. Where's your guardian?
STAN: Huh?
CASHIER: I knew it! You paid a homeless guy to get you in, didn't you?
CARTMAN: Fuck off, you donkey-raping shiteater!
KYLE: Yeah!


KYLE:
Shut your fucking face, uncle fucka


CHILDREN:
You're an anus-licking ball-sucking uncle fucka



THE SKATING POND
CLYDE GOODMAN: Hey, where have you guys been all day?
STAN: Oh, nowhere. We just went to go see the Terrance and Phillip movie!
KIDS: [gasping]
KID: You saw it?
CLYDE: How'd you get in?
CARTMAN: Hey, stop crowding us you shitfaced cockmasters!
KIDS: Wow!
STAN: Yeah, you're all a bunch of ass-ramming uncle fuckers!
KIDS: Oooh!
CLYDE: We have got to see this movie, dude.
KYLE: Terrance and Phillip are Canadian, just like my brother.


STAN: [singing to self]
There's the girl that I like


CARTMAN: Hey, Stan. Tell about when Terrance called Phillip a testicle-shitting rectal-wart.


STAN:
Now, more than ever
She gives me butterflies
It makes my stomach queasy
Every time she walks by


CARTMAN: Asshole, I'm talkin' to you!


STAN:
I know I can be cool if I try


WENDY TESTABURGER: [performing triple lutz, then skating up to Stan] Hi, Stan!
STAN: [barfing on Wendy]
WENDY: Gross!
GREGORY: Come, Wendy. Let us try to jump the hilly brush.
STAN: Who are you, kid?
GREGORY: My name is Gregory. I just transferred from Yardale, where I had a four-oh grade point average.
WENDY: Wanna skate with us?
GREGORY: We've been skating all morning, and laughing, and talking of memories past.
STAN: We saw the Terrance and Phillip movie!
GREGORY: [dismissively] Oh ho. Try and catch me, Wendy! [skating off]
WENDY: [wistfully] Bye, Stan. [skating off]

CARTMAN: Yes, yes, I saw the Terrance and Phillip movie. Who wants to touch me?...I said WHO WANTS TO FUCKIN' TOUCH ME?
BUTTERS: [touching Cartman] Ooooh.
CLYDE: C'mon, gang. We gotta see the Terrance and Phillip movie, too! [kids vacating]
CARTMAN: [to Kenny] I hate you, Kenny.



MR. GARRISON'S CLASSROOM
ALL KIDS:
Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker
You're a boner-biting bastard, uncle fucker
You're a- [stopping abruptly as Mr. Garrison walks in]


MR. GARRISON: Okay, children, let's take our seats. We have a lot to learn today. [to Mr. Hat] We sure do, Mr. Hat. Okay, children, let's start the day with a few new math problems. What is five times two?...Come on children, don't be shy. Just give it your best shot.
CLYDE: [raising hand]
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Clyde?
CLYDE: Twelve?
MR. GARRISON: Okay. Now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard. Anyone?...Come on, don't be shy.
KYLE: I think I know the answer, Mr. Garrison.
CARTMAN: [mocking Kyle]
KYLE: Shut-up, fatboy!
CARTMAN: 'ey! Don't call me fat, you fuckin' Jew!
MR. GARRISON: Eric! Did you just say the F-word?
CARTMAN: "Jew"?
KYLE: No, he's talkin' about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fuckin' fatass.
MR. GARRISON: Kyle!
CARTMAN: Why the fuck not?
MR. GARRISON: Eric!
STAN: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!
MR. GARRISON: Stanley!
KENNY: Fuck.
MR. GARRISON: Kenny!
CARTMAN: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
MR. GARRISON: How would you like to go see the school counselor?
CARTMAN: How would you like to suck my balls?
KIDS: [gasping]
MR. GARRISON: [incredulous] What did you say?
CARTMAN: Oh, I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was: [speaking through bullhorn] "How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?"
MR. GARRISON: [aghast]
STAN: Holy shit, dude.



COUNSELOR'S OFFICE
MR. MACKEY: Well, I must say I'm very disappointed in you boys, m'kay? You should be ashamed of yourselves! Now I've already called in your mothers, but--
KYLE: [frightened] You called my mom?
MR. MACKEY: That's right.
KYLE: [even more frightened] Oh no, dude!
CARTMAN: Mr. Mackey, can I ask a question?
MR. MACKEY: M'kay, what?
CARTMAN: What's the big fuckin' deal, bitch?
STAN: Yeah.
MR. MACKEY: Oh! N-now I wanna know where you heard these horrific obscenities, m'kay?
STAN: Nowhere.
KYLE: Uh, we heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before.
STAN: Yeah!
MR. MACKEY: Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr. Garrison ever said...uh, "Eat penguin shit, you ass-spelunker."
CHILDREN: [laughing]
CARTMAN: Hee hee hee, sweet!
STAN: [as mothers walk in] Uh-oh!
MR. MACKEY: [to mothers] Thank you all for coming on such short notice.
SHARON: This just isn't like you, Stanley.
SHEILA: What did my son say Mr. Mackey? Did he say the S-woid?
MR. MACKEY: No, it was worse than that.
SHEILA: The F-woid?
MR. MACKEY: Well here's a short list of the things they've been saying, m'kay?
SHARON: Oh dear God!
SHEILA: What the heck is a "rimjob"?
LIANE: Oh, why that's when you put your legs behind your head and have someone lick your ass.
SHEILA: Young man, you will tell Mr. Mackey this instant where you heard all these horrible phrases.
KYLE: I...I...
STAN: We can't tell you. We all took a sacred oath, and swore ourselves to secrecy.
CARTMAN: It was the Terrance and Phillip movie.
STAN: Dude!
CARTMAN: What? Fuck you guys! I wanna get out of here.
SHEILA: Terrance and Phillip? Those Canadians?
MR. MACKEY: Excuse me, what the heck is "Terrance and Phillip"?
SHEILA: Terrance and Phillip are two very untalented actors from Canada. Nothing but foul language and toilet humor.
MR. MACKEY: Well, I guess I'll have to send a warning letter out to parents before more children see "Terrance and Phillip".
CARTMAN: Everybody's fuckin' seen it.
LIANE: Eric!
CARTMAN: I'm sorry, I can't help myself. That movie has warped my fragile little mind.



THE LUNCHROOM
STAN: [singing to self]
There's the girl that I like
Over there laughing with that smart ne-


CARTMAN: 'ey! You're holding up the god damn lunch line!
CHEF: Hello there, children!
CHILDREN: Hey Chef.
CHEF: How's it goin'?
CHILDREN: Bad.
CHEF: Why bad?
KYLE: We got busted for swearing. Our moms said we can't ever see the Terrance and Phillip movie again!
CHEF: Oh, that's too bad.
CARTMAN: You shoulda seen Kyle when his mom showed up. He was scared out of his mind, heh heh.
KYLE: Shut-up, Cartman!
CARTMAN: No, dude, I'd be scared too. Your mom's a fuckin' bitch.
KYLE: Don't call my mom a bitch, you fat fuck!
CARTMAN: Don't call me fat, you buttfuckin' son of a bitch!
CHEF: Whoa, children! Where did you learn to talk like that?
CARTMAN: [walking away] It's pretty fuckin' sweet, huh?
STAN: [lagging behind] Chef, how do you make a woman like you more than any other guy?
CHEF: Oh, that's easy. You just gotta find the clitoris.
STAN: Huh?
CHEF: Ooops!
STAN: What does that mean, "...find the clitoris"?
CHEF: Uh...uh, forget I said anything. Move along, children, you're holdin' up the line.

STAN: You guys! Do you know where I can find the..."clitoris"?
KYLE: The what?
CARTMAN: What, is that like finding Jesus, or something?

MR. MACKEY: [over the PA] Attention, students! We are now enforcing a new dress code at South Park Elementary. Terrance and Phillip shirts are no longer allowed in school. Anyone wearing a Terrance and Phillip shirt is to be sent home immediately.

ALL KIDS, except GREGORY and WENDY: Hooray! [vacating]



"WORLD NEWS"
ANCHOR: The R-Rated Canadian film, "Asses of Fire", is number one at the box office. But is the film destroying American youth? Here with a special report, is a midget in a bikini.
MIDGET IN A BIKINI: Thanks, Tom! It appears that the effects of the Canadian comedy are far-reaching, indeed. All over America, children seem to be influenced. Like at this spelling bee in Washington.
PROCTOR: All right, this is for the silver medal: spell "forensics".
CONTESTANT: Aw, fuck that! Why should I have to fucking spell "forensics"?
OTHER CONTESTANTS: [laughing] Yeah! Woo!
CONTESTANT: Here you go. [writing on chalkboard] S-U-C-K-M-Y-A-S-S, "forensics".
MIDGET IN A BIKINI: Tom, the devastating impact of the Canadian duo can also be seen with their new hit song, "Shut Your Fucking Face, Uncle Fucka".


PHILLIP: [hip-hop style]
Shut your fucking face, uncle fuck-ah


TERRANCE: [hip-hop style]
You're a boner-biting bastard, uncle fucka


PHILLIP:
A-a-a a-a a
Now I told you that, we won't stop
Now I told you that, we won't stop


MIDGET IN A BIKINI: Back to you, Tom.
ANCHOR: Thanks, midget. Shocking report! The controversy began in the small mountain town of South Park, where the local PTA is trying to ban the movie. With us tonight is the head of the PTA, Sheila Broflovski...
SHEILA: Hello, Tom.
ANCHOR: ...and the Canadian minister of movies.
MINISTER: Thanks for havin' me, buddy.
ANCHOR: Minister, parents are concerned about your country's entertainment. Your thoughts?
MINISTER: Well, the film is R-Rated, and it's not intended for children to--
SHEILA: Well, but of course children are gonna see it!
MINISTER: Can I finish? The fact is that we Canadians are quite surprised by your outrage.
SHEILA: You just don't care!
MINISTER: Can I finish? Hello? C-can I finish? The United States has graphic violence on television all the time. We can't believe that a movie with some foul language would piss you off so much.
SHEILA: Because it's evil!
MINISTER: [exasperated] Can I finish? Please, can I finish?...Okay, I'm finished.
ANCHOR: But Mr. Minister, it isn't like this film is the first troublesome thing to come out of Canada. Let us not forget Bryan Adams.
MINISTER: Now, now. The Canadian government has apologised for Bryan Adams on several occasions.
SHEILA: You Canadians are all the same. With your beady little eyes, and flapping heads. You-you're trash!
MINISTER: I resent that! I find that racist, and--
SHEILA: Our children are now addicted to your filth!
MINISTER: You are a racist, ma'am! You are a racist!
SHEILA: It is going to take us weeks to erase the damage this film has done to our children!



REHABILITATION
MR. MACKEY: Uh, kids, I wanna welcome you to rehabilitation, m'kay? Your mothers insisted that you be taken from your normal schoolwork, and placed into rehab to learn not to swear.
GREGORY: I must say, I don't think I belong with these rogues. I attended school at Yardale, and had a four-oh grade point average.
CARTMAN: [to Gregory] You're a fuckin' faggot, dude.
MR. MACKEY: M'kay, you see children? This is exactly what I'm talkin' about. We have to get you off of foul language.
KYLE: How are we gonna do that?
MR. MACKEY: Well, listen here.


MR. MACKEY:
There are times when you get suckered in
By drugs and alcohol
And sex with women, m'kay?
But it's when you do these things too much
That you've become an addict
And must get back in touch

You can do it
It's all up to you, m'kay?
With a little plan
You can change your life to-day
You don't have to spend your life addicted to smack
Homeless on the streets
Givin' handjobs for crack
Follow my plan
And very soon you will say:
"It's easy, m'kay?"

Step one: instead of "ass" say "buns"
Like "Kiss my buns" or
"You're a buns-hole"

Step two: instead of "shit" say "poo"
As in "bull poo", "poo-head", and "this poo is cold"

Step three: with "bitch" drop the "t"
'cause "bich" is Latin for "generosity"

Step four: don't say "fuck" anymore
'cause "fuck" is the worst word that you can say
So just use the word "m'kay"


ALL KIDS:
We can do it
It's all up to us, m'kay?


MR. MACKEY:
M'kay?


ALL KIDS:
With a little plan
We can change our lives today


MR. MACKEY:
You can change to-day


MR. MACKEY and ALL KIDS:
You don't have to spend your lives
Shootin' up in the trash
Homeless on the streets
Givin' handjobs for cash
Follow this plan and very soon you will say:
"It's easy, m'kay?"


MR. MACKEY:
Step one:


KID:
Instead of "ass" say "buns"


KID:
Like "kiss my buns"


KID:
Or "you're a buns-hole"


MR. MACKEY:
Step two:


SOME KIDS:
Instead of "shit" say "poo"


KID:
As in "bull poo"


KYLE:
"poo-head"


KID:
And "this poo is cold"


MR. MACKEY:
Step three:


ALL KIDS:
With "bitch" drop the "t"
'cause "bich" is Latin for "generosity"


MR. MACKEY:
Step four:


ALL KIDS:
Don't say "fuck" anymore


MR. MACKEY and ALL KIDS:
'cause "fuck" is the worst word that you can say


KIDS:
"Fuck" is the worst word that you can say
We shouldn't say "fuck"
No, we shouldn't say "fuck"
Fuck no!


MR. MACKEY:
You're cured, you can go!


MR. MACKEY and ALL KIDS:
You don't have to spend you lives
Shootin' up in the trash
Homeless on the streets
Givin' handjobs for cash
Follow this plan and very soon you will say:
"It's easy, m'kay?"


ALL KIDS:
It's easy, m'kay?


MR. MACKEY:
It's easy, m'kay?


ALL KIDS:
It's easy, m'kay?


MR. MACKEY: [adopting a falsetto]
It's easy, m'kay?


ALL KIDS:
It's easy, m'kay?
It's easy, m'kay?
It's easy, m'kay?


MR. MACKEY and ALL KIDS: [laughing]

MR. MACKEY: M'kay...m'kay...m'kay.

MR. MACKEY: Now you're cured! You can take the rest of the afternoon off for personal reflection, m'kay? Find your own constructive way to better yourself, m'kay?



INSIDE THE CINEMA
TERRANCE AND PHILLIP: [laughing hysterically]
TERRANCE: Well, Phillip, I hope you've learned something through this whole experience.
PHILLIP: I did, Terrance. I've learned that you are a boner-biting dickfart fuckface.
BOTH: [laughing hysterically]
TERRANCE: Want to see the Northern Lights? [lighting fart on fire and burning to death]
PHILLIP: You burned yourself to death by lighting your fart.
TERRANCE: [laughing] I sure did, Phillip!
BOTH: [laughing hysterically]


BOTH and CHOIR:
Uncle fucka!
You got it


KIDS: [clapping and cheering]
CARTMAN: Yes!
KID: This movie rules!



OUTSIDE THE CINEMA
KYLE: Man, that movie gets better every time I see it!
CASHIER: Hey!
CARTMAN: Yeah, but you know what? That whole part about lighting farts is bullshit. You can't do that.
KENNY: Yeah, you can!
CARTMAN: No way.
KENNY: Yes you can. I've done it before.
CARTMAN: Okay, Kenny. I'll bet you a hundred dollars you can't light a fart on fire.
KENNY: You can. Check it out. [lighting fart on fire, laughing hysterically at first, but then screaming as lit fart erupts from a localised flare into a general conflagration]
KYLE: Holy shit, dude!
CARTMAN: Ah! Oh my God! Hey! [beating Kenny with stick] Aw, shit! Aw, shit! Ahh!
STAN: Help! Somebody do something!
CARTMAN: [distraught] This stick is on fire!
STAN: [to Cartman, as dump truck dumps salt on Kenny] Oh my God, you killed Kenny!
KYLE: [to Cartman] You bastard!
CARTMAN: Wow, I guess you can light a fart on fire, huh?



HOSPITAL
DR. DAVIS: [screaming]
DR. DOCTOR: Load that IV with 70 cc's of Sodium Pentathol!
NURSE: We just called the parents.
KYLE: Oh shit, dude! Now our moms are gonna find out we went to the Terrance and Phillip movie again!
DR. DOCTOR: Vacuum! Try to untangle his trachea and esophagus!
STAN: Dude!
DR. DOCTOR: No! That doesn't go there!
STAN: [barfing]
KYLE: Gross, Stan!
CARTMAN: That's sick!
NURSE: Watch his liver.
ASSISTANT: I'll get it!
DR. DOCTOR: We have precious little time left, people! We're gonna lose him soon.
NURSE: Doctor, his heart stopped!
DR. DOCTOR: Let's get it out of there! We need to zap this, quick! [opening microwave] Who's making a potato?
ASSISTANT: My bad, sir! I missed lunch.
DR. DOCTOR: Dammit! I'm not gonna lose this kid....Close him up, we've done all we can. The rest, is up to God....Kenny, Kenny can you hear me?
KENNY: Holy shit, dude.
DR. DOCTOR: How are you feeling, son?
KENNY: Where the fuck am I?
DR. DOCTOR: Great! Son, I have some bad news. We...accidentally replaced your heart with a baked potato. You have about three seconds to live.
KENNY: What? [exploding]
CARTMAN: Ah! Fuckin' weak, dude!
STAN: Oh my God, they killed Kenny!
KYLE: You bastards!
DR. DOCTOR: Dammit! It never...gets...any...easier! [walking away whistling]
CARTMAN: I bet him he couldn't do it. I bet him a hundred dollars.
KYLE: C'mon Cartman, it's not your fault.
CARTMAN: No, I know. I'm just fuckin' stoked I don't have to pay him.
KYLE: Oh, that's real nice! He was your friend, you fat fuck! [parents entering room]
SHEILA: So, boys. You saw that movie, again?
CHILDREN: [resignedly] Yes.
SHEILA: Well Kyle, I have had it! You are grounded for the next two weeks!
KYLE: Grounded?
SHARON: And you, Stan. Come on.
LIANE: And you're grounded for three weeks, Eric.
CARTMAN: 'ey, why am I grounded more? That's fuckin' bullshit!
SHEILA: What-what-what? What was that word young man?



HEAVEN [population 1,656]
[Michael McDonald]:
Little boy at peace
What is this place beyond the stars?
Open up your eyes
What are these things you're moving toward?
Head so full of wonder
Worries in the past
Could it be that you are free at last?


[D.V.D.A.]:
No!


KENNY: What? [Kenny is denied access to Heaven, and is instead sent to...]



HELL [population 923,565,421,267]
[D.V.D.A.]
Little boy you're going to Hell
You said bad words
Threw rocks at the birds
And now this is your hotel
You ain't going back
This ain't Disneyland
It's Hell

Little boy it's time for you to pay
For hurting that bird
And not goin' to church
And staring at boobs all day
Thought you were in bed, instead
You're in Hell

Hell isn't good
Hell isn't good
Hell
Hell isn't good
Hell isn't good
Hell


HITLER: [to Kenny] [undecipherable, in German]

GEORGE BURNS: [to Kenny] Hey fuckface, have you seen Gracie?

GANDHI: [to Kenny] There is orderliness in the universe.


D.V.D.A.:
Hell isn't good
Hell isn't good
Hell


KENNY: [screaming as various and sundry demons and fiends torture him]



P.T.A. MEETING (TOPIC: KIDS OUT OF CONTROL)
SHEILA: Parents, our children are out of control! This is what happens when toilet humour is allowed to run rampant!
SHARON: That's right. Kenny set himself on fire because he saw Terrance and Phillip do it in that dirty movie.
SHEILA: We must stop dirty language from getting to our children's ears. We must go fight the source of it.
MOTHER: But what is the source?
SHEILA: Oh, that's easy.


SHEILA:
Times have changed
Our kids are getting worse
They won't obey their parents
They just want to fart and curse


SHARON:
Should we blame the government?


LIANE:
Or blame society?


RANDY MARSH, GERALD BROFLOVSKI, and STUART MCCORMICK:
Or should we blame the images on TV?


SHEILA: No!


SHEILA:
Blame Canada


PARENTS:
Blame Canada


SHEILA:
For their beady little eyes
And flappin' heads so full o' lies


SHEILA and PARENTS:
Blame Canada
Blame Canada


SHEILA:
We need to form a full assault


PARENTS:
It's Canada's fault


SHARON:
Don't blame me
For my son Stan
He saw the darned cartoon
And now he's off to join the Klan


LIANE:
And my boy Eric, once
Had my picture on his shelf
But now when I see him
He tells me to fuck myself


SHEILA: Well?


SHEILA:
Blame Canada


SHEILA and PARENTS:
Blame Canada


SHEILA:
It seems that everything's gone wrong
Since Canada came along


PARENTS:
Blame Canada
Blame Canada


COPY SHACK EMPLOYEE:
They're not even a real country anyway


MRS. MCCORMICK:
My son could've been
A doctor or a lawyer, it's a-true
Instead he burned up
Like a piggy on a barbecue


PARENTS:
Should we blame the matches?
Should we blame the fire?
Or the doctors who allowed him to expire?


SHEILA: Heck no!


SHEILA and PARENTS:
Blame Canada
Blame Canada


SHEILA:
With all their hockey hullabaloo


LIANE:
And that bitch Anne Murray, too


SHEILA and PARENTS:
Blame Canada
Shame on Canada for-
The smut we must cut
The trash we must smash
The laughter and fun
Must all be undone
We must blame them and cause a fuss
Before somebody thinks of blaming us



THE MARSH RESIDENCE
SHELLY MARSH: All right, you turds, listen up! Your moms are away at a meeting, and they put me in charge of you. But you're still grounded, so you're not allowed to have any fun. Any questions?
STAN: Shelly, where's the clitoris?
SHELLY: [breaking a chair over Stan's head]
STAN: Ow!
SHELLY: Now you all just sit there and keep your mouths shut, while I go listen to my Britiney Spears records. [going to her room]

STAN: Okay, it's clear.
CARTMAN: [switching on TV with remote]

CONAN O'BRIEN: Our next guests have the number one movie in the world right now. Please welcome Terrance and Phillip!
O'BRIEN AUDIENCE: [mixed cheers and boos]

CHILDREN: Hooray!

PHILLIP: [to Conan] Hello, Conan.
TERRANCE: [to Brooke Shields] Hello, Brooke Shields.
CONAN: Guys, some people claim that your Canadian humour is nothing but immature fart jokes.
PHILLIP: That's not true. Take this classic Canadian joke, for instance. [clearing throat, both putting on false moustaches] Excuse me, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Yes, Phillip?
PHILLIP: [farting on Terrance, blowing him into the drum set]
BOTH: [laughing hysterically]

CARTMAN: [laughing] That's sweet!

TERRANCE: Good one, Phillip! Cheers!
PHILLIP: Cheers, fuckface.
CONAN: Guys, you can't say that on TV.
PHILLIP: Now Terrance smells like my ass!
BOTH: [laughing]
BROOKE SHIELDS: I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon.
TERRANCE: [after a pause, slapping Brooke Shields]
CONAN: So guys, does it make you nervous to be in America? There are a lot of organisations here that want you arrested for destroying children.
PHILLIP: Oh, they'd have to find us first.
CONAN: You're right. [to goons waiting backstage] Now!
GOONS: [rushing in and capturing Terrance and Phillip]
SHEILA: [to Terrance and Phillip] Terrance and Phillip, Mothers Against Canada is placing you under citizens' arrest!

KYLE: Mom?
STAN: Dude, what the hell is going on?

SHEILA: We have a court order for your arrest!
TERRANCE: Phillip, we've been ambushed!
SHEILA: [handing Conan his baksheesh] Here you go, Conan.
PHILLIP: [pointing at Conan] This little scrotum-sucker deceived us! You are a bad man!
SHEILA: Don't listen to them, Conan.
PHILLIP: You loved our movie, Conan! We watched it together. Remember? You laughed.
CONAN: What have I done? [jumping out window and falling to his death]

STAN: Holy crap, did you see that? They arrested Terrance and Phillip!



THE UNITED NATIONS
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: As the Canadian Ambassador, I hereby condemn the actions taken by America in apprehending Terrance and Phillip. As you can see from this graph, the entire economy of Canada relies on Terrance and Phillip. Without them, we are doomed to recession.
"HEAD OF UN": What say you, Mr. American Ambassador?
AMERICAN AMBASSADOR: Fuck Canada!
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: 'ey, Fuck you, buddy!
AMERICAN AMBASSADOR: Terrance and Phillip will not be released. They are going to be put on trial for corrupting American's youth. We don't know what all the fuss is about.
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: The fuss is aboot taking our citizens. It's aboot not censoring our art. It's aboot...
AMERICAN DELEGATION: [laughing]
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: ...It's aboot...
AMERICAN DELEGATION: [laughing]
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: What's so god-damn funny?
AMERICAN AMBASSADOR: [regaining composure] N-nothing, nothing. Uh, could you tell us again what your argument is all about?
CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES: This is not aboot diplomacy, this is aboot dignity...
AMERICAN DELEGATION: [laughing]
CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES: ...This is aboot respect. This is about realising that humans...
AMERICAN DELEGATION: [laughing]
CANADIAN AMBASSADOR: You guys are dicks! Release Terrance and Phillip, or we'll give you something to cry aboot!
ENTIRE UN: [laughing hysterically]



CANADIAN AIRFORCE
PILOT: Pilot to bombardier! Pilot to bombardier! We're nearing the target!
BOMBARDIER: Bombs ready, buddy!



BALDWIN MANOR
WILLIAM BALDWIN: [answering phone] Baldwin residence...no, this is Billy Baldwin. If you want Daniel Baldwin, call his extension...stupid!
A BALDWIN: [to Alec Baldwin] Hey Alec, do you know what sucks about being a Baldwin?
ALEC BALDWIN: No, what?
Same BALDWIN: Nothing!
ANOTHER BALDWIN: Yeah!
ALL BALDWINS: [laughing]
WILLIAM: [after all other Baldwins have been bombed by the Canadians] Ha! Ha! You missed me! [then getting bombed himself]



MR. GARRISON'S CLASSROOM
MR. GARRISON: All right, children. Your mothers are all making me throw away my lesson plan and teach theirs.
STAN: Mr. Garrison, how come our moms arrested Terrance and Phillip?
ALL KIDS: Yeah!
KID: That's gay.
MR. GARRISON: Oh, well, your moms are just upset. They're probably all on their periods or something.
WENDY: [whispering to Gregory] Not cool!
GREGORY: Mr. Garrison, Wendy and I think that was a sexist statement.
MR. GARRISON: Well I'm sorry Wendy, but I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. Anyway children, let's start off with some vocabulary...

MR. MACKEY: [over PA] Attention, students, m'kay?

MR. GARRISON: Oh, what now?

MR. MACKEY: Come to the gymnasium immediately for a special announcement, m'kay?



THE GYMNASIUM
KYLE: What's goin' on, Chef?
CHEF: Something big, children.
STAN: Chef, I can't find the clitoris. You have to help me.
CHEF: Stan, the clitoris is a--
MR. MACKEY: Please take your seats, everyone, they're about to announce it, m'kay?

TV ANCHOR: This is a state of emergency. We go now to the White House for an announcement from the President of The United States.
BILL CLINTON: My fellow Americans, at five a.m. today, a day which will live in infamy, the Canadians have bombed the Baldwins. In response to this, the U.S. has declared war on Canada.

ALL CHILDREN: [gasping]
CHEF: Oh, no!
STAN: War?
WENDY: No! Gregory, no!
GREGORY: No, this is bad, Wendy. Hold on to me.
MR. GARRISON: [frantically] All the Baldwins are dead?

CLINTON: Now it is time for us to send a message to Canadians. In two days time, the war criminals Terrance and Phillip will be executed.

STAN: They're gonna kill them?

CLINTON: And now, I'd like to bring up my newly-appointed secretary of offence, Ms. Sheila Broflovski.

KYLE: Holy shit, dude!

SHEILA: [elbowing Clinton out of the way] My fellow Americans, our neighbour to the north has abused us for the last time!
CLINTON: I have a plan--
SHEILA: Canadians want to...
CLINTON: As commander in chief [drowned out by Sheila]
SHEILA: ...fight us, because we won't tolerate their potty-mouths. Well! If it is war they want, then war they shall have! [raising hands in "victory" salute, a la Richard Nixon, while Clinton is looking on silently]

CARTMAN: Dude, this is fucking weak.
STAN: How could things be any worse?



HELL
KENNY: Satan! No way!
SATAN: Fallen one: I am Satan. I am your god now!
KENNY: [screaming] Oh my god! [running away]
SATAN: [materialising in front of him] There is no escape! [torturing Kenny] Now, feel the delightful pain.
KENNY: [whimpering]
SADDAM HUSSEIN: Hey, Satan! Did you hear the news? A war just broke out up on earth!
SATAN: Meet Saddam Hussein, my new partner in evil.
KENNY: Huh?
SADDAM: Move over, Satan, you're hogging all the fun. Yeah! Yeah! Man, this is gettin' me so hot!
KENNY: Oh my god!
SATAN: Saddam, would you let me do my job, please?
SADDAM: Hang on! Rub my nipples while I torture this little piggy.
SATAN: Saddam, could I talk to you over here for a second?...[Saddam and Satan going to sit on the loveseat] I don't see why you have to belittle me in front of people like that.
SADDAM: Hey, relax, guy!
SATAN: Well, sometimes, I think you don't have any respect for me.
SADDAM: Aw, come here, guy. Who's my creampuff?
SATAN: I am.
SADDAM: That's right, bubby.
KENNY: [watching them] Huh?



THE SCHOOLYARD
STAN: [as warplanes scream overhead] Dude, I don't wanna be at war.
KYLE: You don't think they're really gonna kill Terrance and Phillip, do you?
CARTMAN: Kyle, you need to stop being such a chickenshit, and stand up to your mother. You need to smack her in the face, and say, "That's enough of your shit, you fuckin' bitch!"
KYLE: Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
STAN: You guys, stop it! This isn't helping. We've gotta think, here. Now, let's see. What would Brian Boitano do?
CARTMAN: Yeah, what would Brian Boitano do?
KYLE: [noticing a gathered crowd] Hey! What's going on over there?

GREGORY: The American government thinks it has the right to police the world. Your government is going to kill two Canadian citizens. An action condemned by the UN (home of the free indeed).
CLYDE: Let's play tetherball!
KIDS: Yeah!
WENDY: This is about freedom of speech! About censorship! Can't you guys be more political, like Gregory?


STAN: [singing to self]
There's the girl that I like
Now it appears that she likes another guy
It must be because he's political and stuff
I bet I could be political too


WENDY: [to Stan] What do you think, Stan?
STAN: [barfing all over Wendy]
WENDY: [running away screaming]
STAN: Dammit!
CARTMAN: You guys, this is all Kyle's mom's fault.
KYLE: Shut-up, Cartman!
CARTMAN: Kyle's mom is the one that started that damn club. And all because she's a big, fat, stupid bitch!
KYLE: Don't say it, Cartman!


CARTMAN: [breaking into song]
Well...


KYLE: Don't do it, Cartman!


CARTMAN: [breaking into song]
Well...


KYLE: I'm warning you!
CARTMAN: Okay, okay.
KYLE: I'm getting pretty sick of him calling my mom a b...


CARTMAN: [bursting into song]
Well, Kyle's mom's a bitch
She's a big fat bitch
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
She's a stupid bitch
If there ever was a bitch
She's a bitch to all the boys and girls


KYLE: Shut your fucking mouth, Cartman!


CARTMAN:
On Monday she's a bitch
On Tuesday she's a bitch
On Wednesday through Saturday she's a bitch
Then on Sunday (just to be different)
She's a super, King Kamehameha beey-atch


CARTMAN: [Kids] C'mon! You all know the words!


CARTMAN and KIDS:
Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom?
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
She's a mean old bitch
And she has stupid hair

She's a big big big big big big big
Big big big big big big big bitch
She's a stupid bitch


KIDS:
Whoa!


CARTMAN and KIDS:
She's a stupid bitch
Kyle's mom's a bitch
And she's just a dirty bitch


KIDS:
Bitch!


CARTMAN: Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this: [song is sung in Chinese, French, Dutch, and Ethiopian]


CARTMAN:
Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom?
She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
She's a mean old bitch
And she has stupid hair
She's a big big big big big big big
Big big big big big big big bitch
She's a stupid bitch


STAN: [seeing Kyle's mom standing behind Cartman] Uh, Cartman...


CARTMAN:
Kyle's mom's a bitch
And she's just a dirty bitch

I really mean it
Kyle's mom
She's a big fat fuckin' bitch
Big old fat fuckin' bitch, Kyle's mom, yeah
Cha!


CARTMAN: [noticing aghast looks on children's faces] What? [turning around and seeing Kyle's mom] Oh, fuck!



M.A.C. MEETING
SHEILA: Okay, everyone, settle down. As we continue to send troops into Canada, M.A.C. is also fight the war against potty-mouths here at home. Here to present the V-chip is Dr. Vosknocker.
DR. VOSKNOCKER: [clearing throat] The machinery of the V-chip is very simple. It is placed under the child's skin, where it emits a small shock of electricity whenever an obscenity is uttered.
RANDY MARSH: Now, uh, wait a minute. This chip somehow knows if the child is swearing?
DR. VOSKNOCKER: It's just like a lie detector. You see, certain things happen to you when you swear, just like when you lie. The chip picks up on this, and gives the subject a little prick. Patient B-5, would you step out here, please? Patient B-5 here has been fitted with the new V-chip.
CARTMAN: [patient B-5] Ow, my head hurts.
DR. VOSKNOCKER: [to Cartman] Don't worry about that. Now, I want you to say, "Doggy".
CARTMAN: Doggy.
DR. VOSKNOCKER: [to parents] Notice that nothing happens. [to Cartman] Now say, "Montana".
CARTMAN: Montana.
DR. VOSKNOCKER: Good! Now, "Pillow".
CARTMAN: Pillow.
DR. VOSKNOCKER: All right! Now, I want you to say, "Horse-fucker".
CARTMAN: [hesitating]
LIANE: Go ahead, Eric. It's all right.
CARTMAN: Horse-fucker. [getting shocked] Ow!
PARENTS: [gasping]
CARTMAN: That hurt, god dammit! [getting shocked] Ow! Fuck! [getting shocked] Hey!
DR. VOSKNOCKER: Now I'd like you to say, "Big floppy donkey dick".
CARTMAN: No!
DR. VOSKNOCKER: Success! The child doesn't want to swear!
PARENTS: [cheering madly]
CARTMAN: This isn't fair, you sons of bitches! [getting shocked] Ow!
SHEILA: We will start putting V-chips in all our children next week.
PARENTS: [cheering wildly]



NEWSREEL
ANCHOR: Snacky Smores presents: "The March of War". Let's hear it for our boys in blue! President Clinton has called them to action, to fight the evil Canadian scourge. A full-scale attack has been launched on Toronto, after the Canadians' last bombing, which took a horrible toll on the Arquette family. For security measures, our great American government is rounding up all citizens that have any Canadian blood, and putting them into camps. All Canadian-American citizens are to report to one of these Death Camps right away. Did I say, "Death Camps"? I meant, "Happy Camps", where you will eat the finest meals, have access to fabulous doctors, and be able to exercise regularly. Meanwhile, the war criminals, Terrance and Phillip, are prepped for their execution. Their execution will take place during a fabulous USO show, with special guest celebrities, including Big Gay Al, and Winona Ryder. Of course, the only way to see the USO show is to sign up for the army! So join the army and kill some Canadian scum, as we continue..."The march of War"! (Eat Snacky Smores.)



M.A.C. BONFIRE
PARENT: [offscreen] Down with Canada! PARENT: [offscreen] Bomb them! SHEILA: We must rid ourselves of anything Canadian!
KYLE: [to Clyde] Dude, don't you like Terrance and Phillip anymore?
CLYDE: 'course not! My mommy says I hate Canadians now, 'cause they've made me have a dirty mouth.
MOTHER: Burn it all! [tossing a copy of the Alanis Morissette album, Naked and Crying, onto the bonfire]

CARTMAN: [morosely] Hey, dudes.
STAN: What's the matter, Cartman?
CARTMAN: It's this V-chip. I hate it. I can't say any dirty words.
KYLE: Really? So you can't say, "fuck"?
CARTMAN: No.
KYLE: And you can't say, "Shit"?
CARTMAN: Nope.
KYLE: So you can't say, "I'm Eric Cartman, the fattest fucking piece of shit in the world"?
CARTMAN: Fuck you! [getting shocked] Ah!
KYLE: [laughing] Sweet!
STAN: C'mon, you guys. This has gone far enough. It's time we talked to our moms.
KYLE: We're supposed to be grounded in our rooms.
STAN: C'mon, Kyle. It's time for us to get political.

SHEILA: Canada will no longer corrupt our children!
KYLE: Mom? Can I talk to you for a second?
SHEILA: Kyle, what are you doing here? You are grounded! Now get back to the house, and stay there!
SHARON: You too, Stanley!
STAN: Mom, we think you're going too far. You can't kill Terrance and Phillip.
SHEILA: [ignoring children] We must fight for our children's futures!
STAN: You started a war. You have to stop it.
SHEILA: To make them safe again!
STAN: Hello?
SHEILA: Our children are precious?
STAN: Hello?
SHEILA: We must make a stand now! Stop at nothing!

KYLE: I told you my mom wouldn't listen.
STAN: Well then we're just gonna have to save Terrance and Phillip ourselves!
KYLE and CARTMAN: What?
STAN: Think about it, you guys. What would Brian Boitano do? He'd figure out a way to rescue Terrance and Phillip before they're executed!
KYLE: We can't do anything: our moms' organisation is too strong.
STAN: Well then we'll round up all the grounded kids in town, and start our own organisation. An organisation to help save Terrance and Phillip.
CARTMAN: Hey, yeah! Our own secret club.
KYLE: I guess that could work.
STAN: We have to try!


STAN:
What would Brian Boitano do, if he was here right now?
He'd make a plan and he'd follow through
That's what Brian Boitano'd do


KYLE:
When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics
Skating for the gold
He did two salchows and a triple lutz
While wearing a blindfold


CARTMAN:
When Brian Boitano was in the Alps
Fighting grizzly bears
He used his magical fire breath
And saved the maidens fair


STAN and KYLE:
So, what would Brian Boitano do if he were here today?
I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two
That's what Brian Boitano'd do


CARTMAN:
I want this V-chip out of me
It has stunted my vocabulary


KYLE:
And I just want my mom to stop fighting everyone


STAN:
For Wendy I'll be an activist too
'cause that's what Brian Boitano would do


CHILDREN:
That's what Brian Boitano'd do
He'd call all the kids in town
And tell them to unite for truth
That's what Brian Boitano'd do


BRIAN DENNEHY: Someone say my name?
STAN: Who are you?
BRIAN DENNEHY: I'm Brian Dennehy.
KYLE: What? No, not fuckin' Brian Dennehy!
STAN: Hey, get the fuck out of here!
BRIAN DENNEHY: Oh. Bye-ee.


CHILDREN:
When Brian Boitano traveled through time to the year 3010
He fought the evil robot king
And saved the human race again


CARTMAN:
And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids
He beat up Kublai Khan


STAN and KYLE:
'cause Brian Boitano doesn't take shit from anybody


CHILDREN:
So let's call all the kids together
And unite to stop our moms

And we'll save Terrance and Phillip too
'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do
And we'll save Terrance and Phillip too
'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do
'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do



HELL
SADDAM: Hey, relax, guy!
SATAN: [referring to TV] Oh, there's nothing on.
SADDAM: You just get cranky when you're tired, that's all.
SATAN: I'm not cranky!

ANCHOR: What started as a spat between The United States and Canada is quickly turning into World War III.

SADDAM: World War III?
SATAN: Shh.

ANCHOR: Terrance and Phillip are going to be put to death for crimes against humanity. The time of execution has--

SATAN: [clicking off TV] It has come to be! The Four Horsemen are drawing nigh! The time of prophesy is upon us!
SADDAM: Ah, I love when you get all biblical, Satan! You know exactly how to turn my crank.
SATAN: No, I'm being serious. It is the seventh sign.
SADDAM: What?
SATAN: Behold. The first signs of my reign have all come true: the fall of an empire, the coming of a comet. And now, when the blood of these Canadians touches American soil, it will be our time to rise.
KENNY: [peeping through the door] Huh?
SADDAM: Yeah! Yeah! Man, now I'm getting' so hot! Let's fuck!
SATAN: Do you always think about sex? I'm talkin' about very important stuff, here.
SADDAM: Ah, I'm just excited about taking over the world! Come on!
SATAN: Is sex the only thing that matters to you?
SADDAM: I love you.
SATAN: I want to believe that.
SADDAM: So whaddya say we shut off that light and get close, huh?
SATAN: [embracing Saddam and shutting off the light, then, as Saddam dorks him] Oh, ow.
SADDAM: Yeah, you like that, don't you, bitch?



THE BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE
KYLE: Okay. We can use my dad's computer to call all the kids together.
STAN: Wait. Before we put a message out, do a search on the word, "Clitoris".
KYLE: Oh, okay...."Found: eight million pages with the word, 'Clitoris'."
STAN: Wow!
KYLE: I'll just try the first one. "You must be eighteen to enter this website." Okay. "Welcome to 'German Sick Fetish Video'. If you are under eighteen, do not"-- well, okay....

GERMAN: Du hast Scheisse gehen!

KYLE: Dude! It's a lady getting pooed on!
STAN: Whoa! Is it Cartman's mom?
CARTMAN: Oh, very funny.
KYLE: Hey! It is Cartman's mom!

GERMAN: Essen mein scheisse.
LIANE: All-righty, then!

CARTMAN: Aw, son of a bitch! [getting shocked] Ow!
IKE: Ba-ba-ba-ba
KYLE: Get outta here, Ike. You're too young for this stuff.
IKE: Bull shit.
STAN: What's he doing, now?

GERMAN: Essen mein scheisse.
LIANE: Okey-dokey!

CHILDREN: [watching video] Oh! [gagging]

GERMAN: Geschmacke gut, ja?

STAN: [barfing] Click it off, dude! Click it off! Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?
CARTMAN: All right, all right. Let's just do what we came here to do, and put a message out to kids.
KYLE: Okay. Let's see, I've gotta put out an all-access e-mail...god damn your mom sucks, Cartman.
CARTMAN: Just get to the message board!
KYLE: I'm trying. I can't find a Canadian server. I've got to break in to the mainframe...Dammit! They've got an access code. I'll try to re-route the encryptions...Okay, here we go. [typing] "Want to help Terrance and Phillip? Sneak out after you get tucked into bed tonight, and meet at Carl's Warehouse."
CARTMAN: Tell 'em we'll have punch and pie.
KYLE: We're not gonna have punch and pie!
CARTMAN: More people will come if they think we have punch and pie!
KYLE: "...punch and pie. This is top secret. The password is..."
STAN: "La Resistance."



CARTMAN'S ROOM
RADIO ANNOUNCER: And so, the draft will begin tomorrow, as more and more troops are needed to invade the Canadian border. The Canadian government pleas for a peaceful resolution, but naturally we're not listening.
LIANE: [switching off radio] Good night, hon.
CARTMAN: Mom, when is the war gonna be over.
LIANE: I don't know, hon. Soon, we hope. You want it to end quickly, huh? [leaving the room]
CARTMAN: Mom?
LIANE: Yes, hon?
CARTMAN: If you were in a German scheisse video, y-you'd tell me, right?
LIANE: Sure, hon. Good night! [shutting door]

CARTMAN: [preparing to sneak out, then, after seeing Kenny's ghost screaming and hiding under the covers] Ah! Supposed to be dark!
KENNY'S GHOST: Here's what you have to do.
CARTMAN: Kenny! Is that you?
KENNY'S GHOST: Saddam Hussein and Satan are gonna come to earth and take over the world!
CARTMAN: Satan? Satan is coming here?
KENNY'S GHOST: He's coming here with Saddam Hussein!
CARTMAN: Saddam Hussein? That doesn't make sense, Kenny!
KENNY'S GHOST: [undecipherable]
CARTMAN: [screaming]

LIANE: Eric, what is it?
CARTMAN: I saw him! I saw Kenny!
LIANE: Oh, you poor dear! You've been through so much.
CARTMAN: I bet him he couldn't light a fart on fire, and now he's all pissed off. [getting shocked] 'ey! I can't say "Pissed off"? [getting shocked] Yaa!



HELL
SATAN: [watching Earthly events on viewscreen] The execution of Terrance and Phillip is imminent. Soon, Saddam and I will rule the world. [laughing maniacally]
SADDAM: [bursting into the room] Hey, Satan. I got some new luggage for our trip up to earth. Let's fuck to celebrate!
SATAN: What's it like up on earth, Saddam? Tell me about it again.
SADDAM: Aw, let's not talk. Let's get busy!
SATAN: Do you remember when you first got here? We used to talk all night long, until the sun came up. We would just lie in bed and...talk.
SADDAM: Well, yeah, 'cause I was still waitin' to get you in bed, dummy!
SATAN: How come you always want to make love to me from behind? Is it because you want to pretend I'm somebody else?
SADDAM: Satan, your ass is gigantic and red. Who'm I gonna pretend you are, Liza Minelli?
SATAN: [walking away]
SADDAM: Aw, don't get all pissy.
SATAN: [sighing]


SATAN:
Sometimes I think
When I look up real high
That there's such a big world up there
I'd like to give it a try

But then, I sink
'cause it's here I'm s'posed to stay
But I get so lonely down here
Tell me: why's it have to be that way?

Up there, there's so much room
Where babies burp and flowers bloom
Everyone dreams, I can dream too

Up there, up where
The skies are ocean-blue
I could be safe and
Live without a care
Up there


CHOIR:
Oh, oh, oh


SATAN:
They say I don't belong


CHOIR:
Hoo-ooh-ooh-ooh


SATAN:
I must stay below, alone


CHOIR:
Hoo-ooh, hoo-ooh


SATAN:
Because of my beliefs
I'm supposed to stay where evil is sown


CHOIR:
Ooh-hoo-ooh-ooh-ooh


SATAN:
But what is evil, anyway?


CHOIR:
Hah-aah-aah-aah-aah


SATAN:
Is there reason to the rhyme?


CHOIR:
Ooh-ooh, ooh ooh ooh


SATAN:
Without evil there can be no good


SATAN and CHOIR:
So it must be good to be evil sometimes
Up there


SATAN:
There's so much room


CHOIR:
Aah-aaaah


SATAN:
Where babies burp and flowers bloom


CHOIR:
Ooh-ooooh


SATAN:
Everyone dreams, I can dream too


SATAN and CHOIR:
Up there


SATAN:
Up where the skies are ocean blue


CHOIR:
Ooh-hoo


SATAN:
I could be safe and
Live without a care


CHOIR:
Without a care!


SATAN:
Live without a care
If only I could live up... [screaming] there!


SATAN and CHOIR:
I wanna live
I wanna live up
Ooh-ooh-hoo
I want to live up there!



CARL'S WAREHOUSE
KYLE: [painting, with Stan, a banner which reads: "Viva La Resistance" as Cartman rushes in] You're late, Cartman!
CARTMAN: I had to ride my bike here. My behind is killing me.
KYLE: Your "behind"?
CARTMAN: I have to say "behind" 'cause I get shocked if I say, "ass". [getting shocked] Ow!
KYLE: Did you bring the punch and pie?
CARTMAN: No! You guys! Something happened! [whispering] I don't think Kenny's dead.
STAN: What?
CARTMAN: I saw him in my room.
KYLE: I know, Cartman, I know. I see Kenny every day.
CARTMAN: [hopefully] You do?
KYLE: Sure, dude. On the face of every child. On the smile of every baby.
KYLE and STAN: [laughing]
CARTMAN: Hey! I'm telling you, this was Kenny. He said that if Terrance and Phillip die, Saddam Hussein and Satan are gonna come up and rule the world.
KYLE: Saddam Hussein? [as somebody knocks on the door] ... Who is it?
GREGORY: Uh, I'm here for La Resistance.
KYLE: What's the password?
GREGORY: Uh, I don't know.
KYLE: Guess.
GREGORY: Uh, "Bacon".
KYLE: Okay. [opening the door]
GREGORY: Viva La Resistance!
STAN: Oh, no, it's that kid!
GREGORY: [to Wendy] This is the place.
STAN: Wendy?
WENDY: Stan? You started La Resistance?
STAN: [barfing on Wendy]
GREGORY: Well, apparently you're more political than we thought. Let us get this meeting underway. When are the others coming?

KYLE: [surveying the crowd] Wow! A lot of people showed up.
STAN: 'kay, uh, Terrance and Phillip are supposed to be killed...and we think that sucks ass! [calling on kid] Yes?
KID: Uh, we were to understand there'd be pie and punch?
KYLE: There isn't any.
KID: [disappointedly] Oh. [leaves with one other kid]
STAN: Uh, Terrance and Phillip are supposed to be killed, so we think we should...prank call a bunch of policemen! A-and, and have pizzas sent to them that they didn't order! Viva La Resistance!
GREGORY: [disgusted] Oh, huh.
STAN: Uh...
GREGORY: May I?
STAN: What?
GREGORY: [addressing map of North America] Terrance and Phillip are currently being held at the Canadian internment camp two kilometres outside of town. They're to be executed tomorrow, during a star-studded USO show for the troops.
CARTMAN: Tomorrow?
GREGORY: Once the show begins, we should have about one hour to get Terrance and Phillip out of their cell, and into this clearing. There we will all rendezvous, and together, take Terrance and Phillip safely back to Canada.
KYLE: [to Stan] Wow, dude! Wendy's new guy is smart.
GREGORY: You must all meet me at the rendezvous point at precisely ten p.m.. Sneaking into the show and breaking out Terrance and Phillip will be the most dangerous part, so I'll go myself.
STAN: No! We're going. We started La Resistance, we'll get Terrance and Phillip and meet you at the rendez-vouse point.
GREGORY: This...will be very dangerous. Are you quite sure?
CARTMAN: Fuck that! [getting shocked] Ah!
STAN: Cartman, do you want that V-chip in you forever? We're going. Now, let's run through the plan.



U.S. ARMY ANTI-CANADA CONTROL HEADQUARTERS
SOLDIER: Now, uh, when you shoot somebody, you actually go for the somewhat vital...
JIMBO KERNS: Oh, boy! Military action, Ned. Let's kill us some god damn Australians!
NED GERBLANSKY: I think we're fighting Canadians.
JIMBO: Canadians, Australians. What's the difference?
MR. GARRISON: Yeah! [to Mr. Hat] This uniform makes me feel like a tough, brute man, Mr. Hat.
MR. HAT: [via Mr. Garrison] It sure does, Mr. Garrison!
MR. GARRISON: Oh, boy. I can't wait for our first shore leave, so I can get me some fuckin' poontang.

GENERAL: Tomorrow night is the USO show, for all you troops. There will be celebrities, followed by the execution of Terrance and Phillip.
SOLDIERS: [cheering madly]
GENERAL: After the show, we will finally be sending ground troops into Canada. So let's strategise! [to control room] Map! [a holographic map appears] Our sources have told us that the Canadians are preparing for our invasion, so we must use caution. Each battalion has a specific code-name and mission. Battalion Five, raise your hands. [all blacks raise their hands] You will be the all-important first attack wave, which we will call, "Operation: Human Shield".
CHEF: Hey, wait a minute!
GENERAL: Now, keep in mind, "Operation: Human Shield" will suffer heavy losses. Battalion Fourteen? [all whites raise their hands] Right. You are, "Operation: Get-Behind-The-Darkies". You will follow Battalion Five, here. And try not to get killed, for god's sake! Are there any questions, men? [recognising Chef] Yes, soldier?
CHEF: Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?
GENERAL: I don't listen to hip-hop. [map begins wigging out] After that, we will march into the heart of Canada, and we will [Saddam's visage begins to take over the hologram] Oh, what's wrong with this thing? It's fuckin' Windows '98! Get Bill Gates in here... [to Bill Gates] You told us Windows '98 would be faster, and more efficient, with better access to the Internet.
BILL GATES: It is faster! Over five million--
GENERAL: [shooting Bill Gates dead] All right, men! Get lots of rest, and prepare yourselves [undecipherable]
BLACK SOLDIERS: [sitting quietly]
WHITE SOLDIERS: [cheering madly]



CARL'S WAREHOUSE
GREGORY: [adressing scale model of the army barracks] After you have Terrance and Phillip, quietly make your way to this ridge. We will be waiting for you there. We cannot wait for long. So if you're not there at ten, we will have to leave.
STAN: Gotcha!
GREGORY: You are indeed brave. But you will need help from someone who's done this sort of thing before. Here's the address of, "The Mole".
CARTMAN: "The Mole"?
GREGORY: He is an expert in covert operations. A mercenary-for-hire. Your first task will be obtaining him. Get lots of sleep. Tomorrow, we will all be risking our lives...for freedom.


GREGORY:
God has smiled upon you this day
The fate of a nation in your hands
And blessed be the children
Who fight with all our bravery
'til only the righteous stand

You see the distant flames
They bellow in the night
You fight in all our names
For what we know is right
And when you all get shot
And cannot carry on
Though you die
La Resistance lives on


GREGORY and KIDS:
You may get stabbed in the head
With a dagger or a sword
You may be burned to death
Or skinned alive, or worse
But when they torture you
You will not feel the need to run, for
Though you die
La Resistance lives on



MEDLEY
MOTHERS:
Blame Canada
Blame Canada


SHEILA:
Because the country's gone awry
Tomorrow night these freaks will fry


SOLDIERS:
Tomorrow night
Our lives will change
Tomorrow night
We'll be entertained
An execution
What a sight
Tomorrow night


SATAN:
Up there, there's so much room
Where babies burp and flowers bloom
Tomorrow night up there is doomed
And so I will be going soon


TERRANCE and PHILLIP:
Shut your fuckin' face, uncle fucka
You're a boner-biting bastard, uncle fucka


TERRANCE:
Looks like we may be out of luck


PHILLIP:
Tomorrow night we're pretty fucked


STAN and KYLE:
Why did our mothers start this war?
What the fuck are they fighting for?
When did this song become a marathon?


SATAN:
I want to be up there


SHEILA:
When Canada is dead and gone
There'll be no more Celine Dion


GREGORY:
They may cut your dick in half


SOLDIERS:
Tomorrow night


GREGORY:
And serve it to a pig


SOLDIERS:
Our lives will change


GREGORY:
And though it hurts you'll laugh


SOLDIERS:
Tomorrow night


GREGORY:
And dance a dickless jig


SOLDIERS:
We'll be entertained


GREGORY:
That's the way it goes:
In war you're shat upon
Though we die


SATAN:
I want to be


GREGORY:
La Resistance
[screaming] Lives on!


SHEILA and MOTHERS:
Blame Canada
Blame Canada
Blame Canada



HELL
SADDAM: Oh boy, I'm so excited! Just one more day until we can take over the world. I don't know if I can sleep (if you know what I mean).
SATAN: [reading Saddam is From Mars, Satan is From Venus] This book is really interesting. It talks about how people communicate differently. Like, I communicate by wanting you to ask me questions, and you communicate--
SADDAM: Hey, that is interesting. Let's fuck!
SATAN: [disgusted] Oh! Saddam, I'm trying to have a nice conversation with you.
SADDAM: [revealing a very realistic-looking dildo] Hey, Satan....
SATAN: Oh! Now, that is just not appropriate!
SADDAM: Aw, c'mon, I'm just fuckin' with you. [tossing it aside] It's not real.
SATAN: [somewhat mollified] Oh, well, that's still not appropriate.
SADDAM: [revealing second dildo] 'ey, Satan....
SATAN: Oh! [getting up to leave]
SADDAM: A-ha! It's not real, either. C'mon, guy!

SATAN: [sobbing]
KENNY: [noticing Satan's distress] What's wrong?
SATAN: [attempting to regain composure] Oh! Uh, uh...ha ha ha ha! Soon, the world will belong to me!
KENNY: No, what's wrong, dude?
SATAN: It's Saddam. He doesn't nurture my emotions. He just wants sex, and can't learn to communicate.
KENNY: Why don't you just fuckin' leave him?
SATAN: You're right. I should leave him. I'm just gonna tell him, "Saddam, I'm going to earth to rule alone." [assertively] I'm strong, and I don't need him.
KENNY: Good for you!



BROFLOVSKI RESIDENCE
SOLDIER: [soldiers marching past the front of the house] [call]
Today's the day for the USO show


SOLDIERS: [response]
We're so happy we get to go


SOLDIER: [call]
I don't know, but I've been told


SOLDIERS: [response]
Canadian pussy is mighty cold


KYLE: Ike, you have to stay in the attic. 'cause if they find you, they'll put you in a Canadian concentration camp. Don't worry, Ike, we're gonna put an end to this. And then I'll make mom come home, and we'll all be a family again. [leaving]

IKE: I like baby's home. [jamming on harmonica]



"THE MOLE"'S HOUSE
"THE MOLE"'S MOTHER: 'allo?
STAN: Hi. We need to speak with "The Mole".
MOTHER: I'm sorry. "Ze Mole" is grounded. He can't come out and play.
CARTMAN: What?
KYLE: He's a kid?
MOTHER: He said very naughty things about god.
STAN: Oh, well, can we just talk to him for five seconds, please?
MOTHER: Well, all right...Christoffe!

STAN: Hi, uh...we're gonna go rescue Terrance and Phillip from the USO show, and we were just--
"THE MOLE": [frantic] Shh! Who are you? Who sent you?
KYLE: That "Gregory" kid! He said you could sneak us in.
"THE MOLE": Are you telling me that you intend to break into the USO show, filled with thousands of soldiers, and break out Terrance and Phillippe?
CARTMAN: I thought it was a pretty stupid idea, too.
STAN: We're La Resistance. We wanna save Terrance and Phillip, and stop the war and stuff.
"THE MOLE": I can't help you. I'm grounded in my room for the next three days.
KYLE: So are we. Our parents think we're home right now.
STAN: Why are you grounded?
"THE MOLE": Why? Because god hates me, that's why. He has made my life miserable. So I called him a cocksucking asshole. Then I get grounded.
KYLE: So will you help us?
"THE MOLE": Very well. Meet me in the back yard in five minutes. Viva La Resistance! We'll show god that we're not gonna fucking take any more--
MOTHER: What? Christoffe, get in here!
"THE MOLE": [stubbing out cigarette] Coming, mother!



HELL
SATAN: [to self] I must be strong. I must be strong. [entering room] Saddam, I need to talk to you.
SADDAM: Ah! You better get packin', bitch. We have to go! We're running out of time!
SATAN: [sighing] Saddam, sometimes you can love a person very much, but still know that they aren't right for you.
SADDAM: [packing "NUKE EM" t-shirt] What the fuck are you talking about?
SATAN: You treat me like shit, Saddam. I'm leaving you. I'm going up to earth to rule alone.
SADDAM: [frightened] No! No, you can't do that!
SATAN: I'm sorry. But I have to be strong.
SADDAM: Satan, please. Gimme another chance. I have to go to earth.
SATAN: You don't even have any respect for me.
SADDAM: Ah, sure I do, guy! Please, just hear me out.


SADDAM:
Some people say that I'm a bad guy
They may be right
They may be right
But it's not as if I don't try
I just fuck up
Try as I might

But I can change
I can change

I can learn to keep my promises
I swear it
I'll open up my heart and I will share it
Any minute now I will be born again

'cause I can change
I can change

I know I've been a dirty little bastard
I like to kill
I like to maim
I've gone insane
But it's okay

'cause I can change

It's not my fault that I'm so evil
It's society
Society
You see my parents were sometimes abusive
And it made
A prick of me

But I can change
I can change


SATAN:
What if you remain a sandy little butthole?


SADDAM:
'ey, Satan
Don't be such a twit
Mother Theresa won't have shit
On me

Just watch
Just watch me change
Here I go: I'm changing!


SADDAM: [breakdancing]


SADDAM:
Ah!

Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut !Hut! Hut!

Ah!


SADDAM: You see? I've really matured.
SATAN: Oh, all right.
SADDAM: [excited] All right!
SATAN: Come on, we have to hurry.
SADDAM: I love ya!



THE USO SHOW
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen of the American Army, welcome to the USO show!
SOLDIERS: [cheering]
ANNOUNCER: Get ready for loads of entertainment and fabulous celebrities, followed immediately by the nasty execution of Terrance and Phillip.



ARMY BARRACKS [on a ridge overlooking the USO show]
"THE MOLE": This is the USO show, where those military bitches intend to kill Terrance and Phillippe.
KYLE: Oh, my god!
"THE MOLE": God? He is the biggest bitch of them all! [flicking away cigarette]
STAN: We have to hurry. We rendez-vouse with the other kids at ten.
"THE MOLE": You realise that by doing this we could be grounded for two, perhaps even three weeks?
STAN: We're willing to take that risk.
"THE MOLE": Then, let's go!



THE USO SHOW
ANNOUNCER: And now, here are your hosts for the evening: Sheila Broflovski, [stifling a chuckle] and Big Gay Al.
SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly]
SHEILA: Al, tonight is a very special night. Do you know why?
BIG GAY AL: Ooh-hoo, they're having a sale at Merv's?
SOLDIERS: [laughing]
SHEILA: No. Because we're going to abolish Canadian smut.
SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly]
BIG GAY AL: [reading off teleprompter] That's right, Sheila! Bring out the condemned!
SOLDIERS: [booing mercilessly as Terrance and Phillip are led out and fitted into electric chairs]
SHEILA: Today is a great day for democracy!
SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly]

TERRANCE: Oh, Phillip. This is worse than that night I fell asleep and you put your dick in my mouth and took a picture!
PHILLIP: I know, Terrance, I know.

BIG GAY AL: Well, Sheila. While you're getting set up over there, let's bring out our first act: Yippee the back-flipping dog!
YIPPEE: [yipping, back-flipping]
SOLDIERS: [applauding politely]



ARMY BARRACKS
"THE MOLE": [cutting through barbed wire fence] Be careful not to touch this wire.
CARTMAN: [getting caught] Stop! Mother fucker! [getting shocked] Ah! Fuck! [getting shocked] Fuck! Fuck!

"THE MOLE": Sheet! The USO show has started. We are running out of time!
KYLE: Do you see Terrance and Phillip?
"THE MOLE": Yes, but they are heavily guarded. We have to dig from here, so as not to be seen. Come on, bitches!
STAN: Hey, "Mole", do you know where the clitoris is?
"THE MOLE": [beginning to dig] Ze what?
STAN: The clitoris. I have to find the clitoris so I can get this Wendy girl to like me aga--
"THE MOLE": Hey! You need to stop thinking with your dick! You have to be on your toes. Because I am not going to be grounded again! Not for you! Not for anybody!



THE USO SHOW
SHEILA: [in front of giant American flag, a la Patton] Men, when you're out there, in the battlefield, and you're looking into the beady eyes of a Canadian as he charges you with his hockey stick (or, whatever he has), and people are dying all around you, just remember what the MPAA says: "Horrific, deplorable violence is okay, as long as people don't say any naughty woids." That is what this war is all about!
SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly]
TERRANCE: [in disbelief] What?



ARMY BARRACKS
"THE MOLE": [tunneling] Sheet! ... Move move! ... Okay, we will split up here. Let's synchronise watches.
KYLE: We don't have watches.
"THE MOLE": [shocked] You don't have watches?
STAN: Dude, you didn't say anything about watches.
"THE MOLE": What do you think this is, kid? TV kiddee hour where we all sit around and lick Barney the dinosaur's fucking pussy? Huh? This is real life, the consequences you take to the grave!
KYLE: Dude, we don't have watches!
"THE MOLE": Sheet! Did you bring ze mirror?
STAN: Got it.
"THE MOLE": And the rope?
STAN: Check.
"THE MOLE": And the buttfor?
KYLE: What's a butt for?
"THE MOLE": For pooping, silly. [exhaling cigarette smoke dramatically] Now listen carefully. I will dig under the stage, and with that bedrock, I will need more time. Stan and Kyle, get near the stage and stall the show, any way you can. Do whatever it takes to keep that show going, until I get ze prisoners.
STAN: Okay.
"THE MOLE": Cart Man, Over zere is the electrical box. You must sneak over there and shut it off before I return with Terrance and Phillippe, or ze alarms will sound, and I will be attacked by guard dogs. Got it?
CARTMAN: Okay.
"THE MOLE": You must shut off the alarms! I fucking hate guard dogs!
CARTMAN: I heard you the first time, you British piece of shit! [getting shocked] Ah!
"THE MOLE": If anything goes wrong, make a sound like a dying giraffe.
STAN: What's a dying giraffe sound like?
"THE MOLE": [making sound like a dying giraffe]
KYLE: 'kay.
"THE MOLE": Let's go!
KYLE: Be careful, dude!
"THE MOLE": Careful? Was my mother careful when she stabbed me in the heart with a clothes hanger while I was still in ze womb? [begins tunneling]
STAN: Damn, dude, that kid is fucked up.



THE USO SHOW
BIG GAY AL: How are those chairs coming, Sheila?
SHEILA: Al, we're minutes away!
SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly]
BIG GAY AL: Super! In the meantime, here's pint-sized pixie, and darling of the indie movie scene, Winona Ryder!
WINONA RYDER: Hi, guys!
SOLDIER: Yaa-aa-aay!
WINONA RYDER: I'm super-psyched to be here today. What you're doing for our country is so cool! I mean, war, man. Wow. War. Y'know? Wow. Okay! And now for your enjoyment, here's my famous ping-pong ball trick! [hitting ping-pong balls into audience from between her legs]
BIG GAY AL: [watching her perform] Oh, my!



ARMY BARRACKS
CARTMAN: [mocking "The Mole"] "Shut off ze power, Cart Man. Zis is very important, Cart Man."
SOLDIER: Dude, did you hear what Winona Ryder's doing?
SOLDIER: Oh, we can't miss this!



THE USO SHOW
WINONA RYDER: There, I didn't miss one! That's my ping-pong ball trick!
SOLDIERS: [very light applause]

BIG GAY AL: Well, that's all the acts we have for you tonight, so let's just get on with the execution!
SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly]
STAN: Oh, no! We have to stall him.
KYLE: More! More!
SOLDIERS: Yeah! More!
BIG GAY AL: Oh, you big sillys! You want to see more of me?
STAN: Yeah! Big Gay Al! Big Gay Al!
SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly] Big Gay Al! Big Gay Al!
BIG GAY AL: Well, I do have a little song I wrote about the war. Oh, but we haven't rehearsed.
STAN: Sing it!
SOLDIERS: Yeah! Sing it!
BIG GAY AL: Oh, I can't.
KYLE: Sing the fucking song!
BIG GAY AL: Well, all right. If you insist, I'll sing my song.
SOLDIERS: [cheering]
BIG GAY AL: I believe it goes a little bit, like this.


BIG GAY AL:
Bombs are flying
People are dying
Children are crying
Politicians are lying too

Cancer is killing
Texaco's spilling
The whole world's gone to Hell
But how are you?

I'm super!
Thanks for asking!
All things considered
I couldn't be better I must say
I'm feelin' super
No, nothin' bugs me
Everything is super when you're--
Don't you think I look cute in this hat?

I'm so sorry
Mr. Cripple
But I just can't feel too bad for you right now
Because I'm feeling
So insanely super
That even the fact that you can't walk
Can't bring me down


CHOIR:
He's super
Thanks for asking
All things considered
He couldn't be better, he must say


BIG GAY AL:
I'm super!
No, nothin' bugs me!
Everything is super when you're
Don't you think I look cute in this
Hat and these little pants and this matching tie that I got at Merv's?
I'm super


CHOIR:
In the barracks and the trenches as well


BIG GAY AL: Stick 'em up!


CHOIR:
Big Gay Al says:
"Do ask, do tell"


BIG GAY AL: Skiddles!


CHOIR:
Yes, he's super
And he's proud to be relay:


BIG GAY AL: Okay!


CHOIR:
Everything is super when you're
Gay

When you're gay


SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly]
STAN and KYLE: Again! Again!



ARMY BARRACKS
CARTMAN: [moving to shut off power as Kenny's ghost appears] Who's that?
KENNY'S GHOST: [undecipherable]
CARTMAN: Not again! Hey!...They're coming?...But our moms won't listen to us.
KENNY'S GHOST: [undecipherable, but ominous]
CARTMAN: [running away screaming, without having shut off the power]



THE USO SHOW
BIG GAY AL: Okay, everybody. Just wanna take a minute here to thank all our wonderful sponsors we had tonight on this USO show....

STAN: [referring to "The Mole"] He's almost got 'em!

"THE MOLE": [to Terrance and Phillip] Shh! We are here to rescue you! After I release you, follow me through the tunnel.

CARTMAN: You guys!
STAN: What, Cartman?
CARTMAN: Kenny! I saw Kenny again!
KYLE: Did you shut the alarm off, Cartman?
CARTMAN: What?
KYLE: ...Cartman?
CARTMAN: [as alarm sounds] Whoops.
KYLE: Oh, shit!
STAN and KYLE: [making sound like a dying giraffe]

PRIVATE BONEMEW: Hey, did you hear that? Sounds like a giraffe is dying over there.

"THE MOLE": [hearing alarm] Ah! Sheet!
SHEILA: A spy!
GENERAL: Get him!
"THE MOLE": [being attacked by dogs] Sheet! Sheet!

STAN: Oh, no!...Come on, "Mole", come on!
"THE MOLE": Sheet! Sheet! Fucking guard dogs! Sheet! Ze alarms! Zey went off!
CARTMAN: Yeah, that was my bad. Sorry.
"THE MOLE": [coughing] Holy... So very cold. Zere is no hope now. You must get out of here.
KYLE: We can't leave without you!
"THE MOLE": It's okay, I'm done for.
KYLE: No! We can't leave without you. We don't know where the hell we are!
"THE MOLE": Where is your god when you need him? Huh? Where is your beautiful, merciful faggot now? [coughing] Here I come, god. Here I come, you fucking rat! [flipping the "bird" at the heavens, coughing]


"THE MOLE":
Now the light, she fades
And darkness settles in
But I will find strength


KYLE: No, "Mole", hang on.


"THE MOLE":
I will find pride within


KYLE: We'll get you home.


"THE MOLE":
Because although I die


KYLE: I can't face my mother.


"THE MOLE":
Our freedom will be won


KYLE: Not alone.


"THE MOLE":
Though I die
La Resistance...lives...on [dying]


KYLE: [after dramatic death-scene music stops abruptly] Shit!

BIG GAY AL: Okay, folks, here it is. The moment we've all been waiting for: the execution!
SOLDIERS: [cheering wildly]



HELL
SATAN: [watching the proceeding on viewscreen] The day is ours!



THE USO SHOW
BIG GAY AL: Super!

STAN: Oh no, dude, it's happening! We have to tell them about Saddam Hussein and Satan.
KYLE: No way, dude! My mom can't see me here.
STAN: Kyle, you have to stand up to your mother. Come on!

SHEILA: Gentlemen, do you have any last woids?
PHILLIP: Last words? Let's see. How's aboot, "Get me the fuck out of this chair!" How's that for last words?
SHEILA: All right anonymous, ready the switch!
MR. GARRISON: ["Anonymous"] [readying the switch]
STAN: Wait!
SHARON: Stanley!
LIANE: Eric!
SHEILA: Kyle!
STAN: Go on, dude, tell her.
KYLE: I...I can't.
STAN: You can't kill Terrance and Phillip. If they die, Satan and Saddam Hussein are gonna come take over the world.
PARENTS and SOLDIERS: [laughing]
SHEILA: Throw the switch, Mr. Garrison!
MR. GARRISON: Hey, I'm supposed to be anonymous. [throwing switch]
SHEILA: [to Terrance and Phillip] Goodbye, bastards!
STAN: No!
TERRANCE AND PHILLIP: [farting and laughing as they are electrocuted]
SOLDIERS: [cheering]
MR. GARRISON: [as Canadian airforce unleashes an attack] The Canadians are attacking! Run for your lives!
CARTMAN: C'mon, we have to shut off the power! [shutting off power] Oh, fuck! [getting shocked]
PHILLIP: Hey, some little fat kid saved us!
CARTMAN: [continuing to get shocked, as V-chip begins to go haywire] You guys, seriously!
STAN: [as Terrance and Phillip run away] Terrance and Phillip wait! We have to get you to the rendez-vouse point! [getting knocked out by the concussion of a nearby bomb blast]

JIMBO: Ned, behind you! [massive carnage as the Canadians and Americans fight each other]



STAN'S HALLUCINATION
THE CLITORIS: [to Stan] Be not afraid.
STAN: Oh, my god!
THE CLITORIS: Behold my glory!
STAN: What...are you?
THE CLITORIS: I am the clitoris.
STAN: The clitoris? I did it! I found the clitoris!
THE CLITORIS: Stan! You must not let Terrance and Phillip's blood be spilled on the ground!
STAN: Wait. You're supposed to tell me how to get Wendy to like me.
THE CLITORIS: There are more important matters right now.
STAN: No way, dude! I've looked all over for you, and now you have to tell me how to get Wendy to like me.
THE CLITORIS: Dude, you just have to have confidence in yourself. Believe in yourself and others will believe in you. Chicks love confidence. Now go, hurry! [regally] The clitoris has spoken! [disappearing]



A FOREST NEAR THE BATTLEFIELD
WENDY: Stan! Stan, are you okay?
GREGORY: I see you've failed in your mission. I should not have sent a boy to do a man's job.
STAN: Come on, everyone. We've got precious little time.



THE BATTLEFIELD
MR. MACKEY: Die Canadians, m'kay?

PHILLIP: [farting] Did you hear that, Terrance? I farted.
TERRANCE: You did? Just now?
BOTH: [laughing hysterically]

KYLE: [looking for Terrance and Phillip] Terrance and Phillip!
CARTMAN: We have to get you to the rendez-vouse point! Hey, it's Mr. Garrison!
MR. GARRISON: [under siege] Children...take Mist-Mr. Hat. Please. Get him out of here!
CARTMAN: Holy shit! [V-chip getting all screwy] Man, this V-chip is getting' all screwy!
KYLE: Take cover in the trench.

GENERAL: All right, men! "Human Shields" up front, then "Operation: Get Behind the Darkies". Remember "Human Shields": protect our tanks and planes, too! ... [noticing approaching Canadian forces] Holy mother of Jehosephat!

CANADIAN TANK BATTALION COMMANDER: Fire on my command!

CHEF: All right, squad. Just like I told you. One...two...
BLACK SOLDIER: [in Jar Jar Binks-ese] Yousome people gonna die?

CANADIAN TANK BATTALION COMMANDER: Fire!

CHEF: ...three! [black soldiers getting out of the way of oncoming Canadian firepower, leaving white soldiers exposed]
GENERAL: What in the...
BLACK SOLDIER: Great plan, Chef!
CHEF: "Operation: Human Shield" my ass!

SHARON: My god, this is terrible!
SHEILA: This is what we wanted! We wanted our children to be brought up in a smut-free environment!
SHARON: But we didn't want this!
SHEILA: Where are you going?
SHARON: We're going to find our boys. For god's sake, Sheila, we're going to get them killed!

CARTMAN: [hunkering down, with Kyle, in the trench] Kyle? All those times I said you were a big, dumb Jew? I didn't mean it. You're not a Jew.
KYLE: Yes, I am. I am a Jew, Cartman!
CARTMAN: No, no, Kyle. Don't be so hard on yourself. What the hell am I still holding this for? [discarding Mr. Hat]

MR. GARRISON: [from afar] Mr. Hat! No!

KYLE: Fuck this, dude. I'm getting out of here, before I get in really big trouble.
CARTMAN: I heard that!
KYLE: [seeing Stan heading up the approaching La Resistance gang] Stan!
STAN: Dude, I found the clitoris! So now I think I can get Wendy to like me again.
KYLE: Wow, that's swell, Stan!
CARTMAN: Yeah, I guess all's well that ends well, huh? We can go home now (you dipshit). [V-chip shocking Kyle by remote]
KYLE: Ow!
CARTMAN: Boy, what's wrong with this thing?
STAN: C'mon! We can't let Terrance and Phillip die, or else the whole world's gonna end!

PHILLIP: [seeing onrushing hordes] Terrance, look!
GENERAL: [spotting Terrance and Phillip] There they are!
TERRANCE: Oh, Phillip, we're done for!
GENERAL: All right, men, fire!
PHILLIP: Goodbye, Terrance.
GENERAL: [noticing La Resistance gang coming to the rescue] What is this?
STAN: Don't shoot!
SHEILA: I'll take care of this. Kids, get out of the way now!
KYLE: [standing in front of Terrance and Phillip]
SHEILA: Kyle!
KYLE: I'm not gonna let you kill them, mom!
SHEILA: What-what-what?
KYLE: I'm...not...moving! [all children joining him]
GENERAL: Stand down, children. You can still see fart jokes on Nickelodeon.
STAN: No! This is about more than fart jokes! This is about freedom of speech. About censorship...and...stuff.
KYLE: What about Ike, huh, mom? Did you forget that your own adopted son is Canadian?
SOLDIERS: [gasping]
SHEILA: I'm...I-I-I'm doing very important things.
KYLE: But mom, you never took the time to talk to me. Whenever I get in trouble, you go off and blame everybody else. But I'm the one to blame. Deal with me. You keep going off and fighting all these causes. But I don't want a fighter. I want my mom.
SOLDIER: [sobbing] Ooh-hoo, Poor little fella!
SOLDIERS: [dropping weapons as the realisation of what they have wrought sets in] SHEILA: No! [commandeering a pistol and shooting Terrance and Phillip dead]
KYLE: Holy shit, dude!
SHEILA: Young man, you watch your mouth!

SATAN: [emerging with Saddam through the bowels of the earth] My time has come!
SADDAM: [holding a martini] You're all really fucked now!
GENERAL: It's Saddam Hussein! Shoot him!
SADDAM: [laughing as bullets bounce off him] What a dumbass!
SATAN: [to Sheila] You have spilled the blood of the innocent. Now begins two million years of darkness!
CHEF: [sarcastically] Oh, good job, Ms. Broflovski. Thanks a lot.
SHEILA: I was just trying to make the woild a better place for children.
SADDAM: Yeah! And you brought enough intolerance to the world to allow my coming. Now, everyone bow down to me!
CANADIAN and AMERICAN SOLDIERS: [bowing down]
SADDAM: [laughing maniacally] Yeah, ha ha ha ha! Yeah, bend over!
GENERAL: God, what have we done?
SATAN: Saddam, I am the dark ruler, not you.
SADDAM: [slapping Satan] Relax, bitch, you're better seen, not heard.
KENNY: Satan, you gotta do something!
SATAN: I...can't.
SADDAM: Let's start by building a big statue of me. Right over there where that fat kid is standing.
CARTMAN: 'ey! Don't call me fat, buttfucker! [V-chip blowing one of those black demon-y thingies that came from Hell out of the sky by remote]
KYLE: Yeah, Cartman. Do it!
CARTMAN: Damn! Shit! Respect my fuckin' authorita! [V-chip shocking Saddam by remote, knocking him back]
SADDAM: Ahhh!
CARTMAN: Yes!
SADDAM: Hey! You need to watch your mouth, brat!
CARTMAN: Dog shit taco! [V-chip shocking Saddam by remote with increasing ferocity]
SADDAM: Quick, Satan. Do something.
CARTMAN: Try this on for size: blood drenched frozen tampon popsicle! [V-chip shocking Saddam by remote]
SADDAM: Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before. But don't worry. I can change.
SATAN: [scandalised]
CARTMAN: Okay...
SADDAM: [pimping, as he appears to have bamboozled yet again]
EVERYONE: [gasping]
CARTMAN: ...not! Fuck! Shit! Cock! Ass! Shitty boner bitch! Muff! Pussy! Cock! Butthole! Barbara Streisand! [V-chip shocking Saddam by remote intensely]
SADDAM: [to Satan] What are you waiting for, bitch? Destroy him! Come on, you weak, stupid come-bucket, save me.
SATAN: That's it! [to Saddam] I have had enough of you! [throwing Saddam back down through the hole from which they'd emerged, toward Hell, impaling him on a jutting rock formation] ... He spent so much time convincing me I was weak and stupid that I...believed it myself. [to Kenny] I have you to thank, little one. You showed me that I had to get away from him. Just make any wish you want, and I shall grant it.
KENNY: I wish everything could be the way it was.
STAN: [gasping] Are you sure, Kenny?
GENERAL: What did he say?
STAN: He said that his wish is for everything to go back, the way it was, before this horrible war.
CHEF: Kenny, you realise, that means you'd go back, too?
KENNY: I know, but I've learned something today... [undecipherable] ...and we'll all get along.
SATAN: Well, very well, then. I will pull all my minions back. I guess I'm destined to live in Hell...alone. [espying Mr. Hat] Hello! What's this? Hi there, little guy. Would you like to go to Hell with me?
MR. HAT: [via Satan] Sure. I bet we could be best friends, Mr. Satan.
CHEF: Feel free to come back and visit us any time you want, Satan.
SATAN: I just might do that.
KYLE: Thank you, Kenny!
STAN: Yeah, thanks for going back to Hell for us. You're a real pal!
KENNY: [removing his hood and enunciating clearly] Goodbye, you guys.

[Satan exeunt with his minions, everything is returned to normal, Winter morphs into Spring]

MR. GARRISON: I-I'm alive! Where's Mr. Hat?
BIG GAY AL: Wow! We were all dying, and now we're fine! That's super!
TERRANCE: [coming back to life] What the fuck's going on?

KYLE: You see, mom? After all that, it was Cartman's filthy fucking mouth that saved us all.
SHEILA: I'm sorry I didn't pay attention to you, Kyle. [giving him a kiss]
WENDY: [giving Stan a kiss]
STAN: [barfing on Wendy] But Wendy, what about Gregory?
WENDY: Oh, Stan, I never really cared for Gregory.
STAN: You didn't?
WENDY: No, dude. Fuck Gregory! Fuck him right in the ear!
STAN: Yay! Thank you, clitoris!


CHEF:
Everything worked out
What a happy end
Americans and Canadians
Are friends again
So let's all join hands
And knock oppression down


KIDS:
Don't you know our little lives are now complete?


MOTHERS:
'cause Terrance and Phillip are sweet


SHEILA: Super Sweet!


ALL:
Thank god we live in this quiet little
Pissant, redneck, podunk, jerkwater, greenhorn, one-horse, mudhole, peckerwood, right-wing, whistle-stop, hobnail, truck-driving, old-fashioned, hayseed, inbred, unkempt, out-of-date, out-of-touch, white-trash...


CHILDREN: Kickass!


ALL:
Mountain town


KYLE: [seeing Kenny ascend to heaven] Look!



CLOSING CREDITS
[D.V.D.A.]:
Brian
Skate
Brian
Skate

What would Brian Boitano do
If he was here right now?
He'd make a plan and he'd follow through
That's what Brian Boitano'd do

Brian
Skate
Brian
Fight

When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics
Skating for the gold
He did two salchows and a triple lutz
Wearin' a blindfold

When Brian Boitano was in the Alps
Fighting grizzly bears
He used his magical fire breath
And saved the maidens fair

Brian
Skate
Right
Here

So what would Brian Boitano do
If he was here today?
I'm sure he'd kick an arse or two
That's what Brian Boitano'd do

Brian
Skate
Right
Hey

When Brian Boitano traveled through time
To the year 3010
He fought the evil robot king
And saved us all again

And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids
He beat up Kublai Khan
'cause Brian Boitano doesn't take shit from anybody


No, Brian, those chicken wings are really spicy! Don't eat those!


I've never seen a man eat so many chicken wings
I've never seen a man eat so many chicken wings
I've never seen a man eat so many chicken wings
I've never seen a man eat so many chicken wings
I've never seen a man eat so many chicken wings
I've never seen a man eat so many chicken wings
I've never seen a man eat so many chicken wings

Brian
Skate
Fight
That's what Brian Boitano'd do


[Michael McDonald]:
The eyes of a child
So innocent and pure
A child's heart
Is full of song
Take that tiny hand
And lead them to the light
As adults we see pain in the world
And it sometimes don't seem right

But through the eyes of a child
The world seems magical
There's a sparkle in their eyes
They've yet to realise
The darkness in their soul
The beauty of their smile
Adventurous and wild
Life is kind of gay
But it doesn't seem that way
Through the eyes of a child

So don't give up
Even when the road seems long
Just find that child
Inside of you
Yeah! You've got a fire in you

Spread your wings and fly
To the brightest star
If you want I can even get my friend Steve
To detail your car
For like twenty bucks

But through the eyes of a child
The world seems magical
There's a sparkle in their eyes
They've yet to realise
The darkness in their soul
The beauty of their smile
Adventurous and wild
Sure, life is kind of gay
But it doesn't seem that way
Through the eyes of a child

Through the eyes
Through the eyes of a child
The world seems magical
There's a sparkle in their eyes
They've yet to realise
The bastards they really are
The beauty of their smile
Adventurous and wild
Sure life is kind of gay
But it doesn't seem that way
Through the eyes of a child



BROFLOVSKI ATTIC
IKE: Guy's up there is hurted. [chomping down a rat]